December 12th, 2005

There are certain moments in one’s life that remain crystal clear no matter the number of years that pass. Today, December 12th, is one of great significance to me.

It was on this day, that after decades of silence, I finally told someone the ‘why’ of my addiction, panic disorder, depression, suicidal ideation, abusive relationships, and inability to ‘realize my potential’. Everyone had seen the chaotic lifestyle and unhealthy choices I made. They saw the troubled young woman, the dramatic outbursts, the ‘acting out’, and the panic attacks that had me paralyzed. They also saw big smiles, a kind and giving heart, childlike wonder, and misplaced trust. But NO ONE knew or chose to get to the WHY of my behaviours and lifestyle.

I was sexually abused as a child starting at the age of 5. My perpetrator was someone trusted by my parents to babysit and he lived in one of the houses close to ours. He was the ‘helpful’ neighbour and seemingly a good choice to look after my brother and I. He commercially exploited me as well which is something I did not put a ‘label’ on until much later in life.

This abuse went on for a few years and when we moved, it ended. At least with him it did. I became like a beacon to abusers and time and again, I would find myself at the hands of another perpetrator.

2005 was a tumultuous year for me. I lost my father (a complicated relationship as he moved to New Zealand when I was 13), I was struggling with 2 new colleagues at work (which I later discovered was due to attributes that closely matched those of my first abuser), and I was having significant problems in my marriage. After 15 years in recovery from a cocaine addiction, I was ready to take up the habit again. Fortunately, I chose to reach out for help from a place that specializes in women’s addiction, and it was there that I was asked the question – “Where you sexually abused as a child?”

I remember asking what that meant. Not because I didn’t know but rather to deflect. I didn’t want to tell her. It was this secret that I had held onto for so long and for so many reasons. It would be easier to deny it but instead I blurted out that I had.

The disclosure of my abuse set in motion an almost immediate realization of why my life had felt so fragmented and chaotic. It felt like the many pieces of me started to come together into one. Things started to make sense.

Insert many, many years of shame, embarrassment, struggle, moments of clarity, and the hard work of recovery which led to me deciding to do something with ‘all of this’. I knew I didn’t want anyone else to feel as I had. I wanted people to be supported, to know they were not alone, and to heal without financial barriers.

In February of 2009, I took the first step and Voice Found started. Many baby steps, many pauses, many setbacks, and determination have led to the realization of this dream.

I have learned so much and have been fortunate to have found the right people to build an organization that is providing the absolute best of care for people who have been sexually abused, exploited, trafficked, and previously not heard. It’s been through the efforts of many passionate survivors, advocates, and supporters that we have reached this place and have supported and helped hundreds – likely thousands – of people. A safe space of healing that will continue long after I am gone.

It all started with breaking my silence on December 12th, 2005.